Lesson 1290: Dear Man's Request: Clear Expression and Negotiation of Goals
Duration:75 minutes
Topic Introduction:
This lesson will introduce one of the core interpersonal communication skills in DBT—DEAR MAN. It helps you express your needs, maintain respect, and preserve your self-worth in relationships, especially in situations involving misunderstandings, blurred boundaries, or rapidly escalating emotions. DEAR MAN has a clear structure, consisting of the request body: Describe, Express, Assert, and Reinforce. Combined with three maintenance techniques—Mindful, Appear Confident, and Negotiate—it allows you to make your truly important requests without being rude, defensive, or prone to outbursts.
This lesson will guide you through breaking down the function of each step, practicing how to maintain concise and stable language in a highly emotional state, and using the "least conflict path" to make it easier for the other person to understand, hear, and respond to you. Dear Man is not about making forceful demands or enduring passively, but rather a way of expressing yourself that neither harms yourself nor the relationship, allowing you to gradually regain consistency and security in your relationships.
▲ AI Interaction: Re-express your needs with DEAR MAN
Please select a need that you have long wanted to express but have repeatedly failed to achieve: such as "Please don't ignore me," "Can we let you know in advance that the plan has changed," or "I need some time to adjust."
Write a request using Dear Man: describe the facts, express your feelings, clearly state your request, and add a sentence to strengthen the relationship.
Next, write the "confident" version again—speak slower, use shorter sentences, and make it sound more like you would actually say it.
Finally, write a "negotiable version" of this request to see which parts can be softened without losing your true needs.
Click the button below to work with AI to refine your Dear Man, making your plea both firm and heard.
○ DEAR MAN · Music Therapy
In interpersonal conflicts, the pace can easily get out of control. Please choose a piece of music with a steady rhythm and a clean melody to act as a "speech rate regulator" before you start communicating.
Practice exhaling for the first 20 seconds of the music to calm your voice before you truly express yourself.
While listening to the music, silently say to yourself, "I can be heard clearly."“
Aromatherapy Drinks: Citrus Rosemary Refreshing Drink
Recommended reasons:The freshness of citrus helps to clear your mind, while rosemary has a mild invigorating and focus-enhancing effect, making it a perfect little ritual before your DEAR MAN practice to help you detach yourself from emotional turmoil.
usage:Take 2g of dried citrus peel and 1g of rosemary, and steep in hot water at 85–90°C for 4 minutes. Pay attention to the aroma and temperature while drinking, allowing your body to enter a "communicative" state first.
○ Whole Grain Lightly Cooked Vegetable Bowl (Christian Fasting Style)
Using oats, carrots, celery, and peas as a base, and with a very small amount of olive oil, the vegetables are slowly simmered to preserve their original flavor and structure.
In traditional culture, fasting symbolizes a "gentle return to the core," reducing excessive stimulation and helping the mind and body return to a state of stable communication.
For those with borderline mood swings, this kind of warm, simple, and non-irritating food can help reduce impulsivity and improve the ability to express oneself consistently in relationships.
Stable rhythm
Reduce impulsivity
Healing Recipes
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Psychological Mandala
Psychological Healing: Psychological Mandala Imagery 41
No need to draw, just watch.
When you gaze at the center of the mandala, notice how the lines expand outwards layer by layer, like your inner journey from feeling → need → expression.
If you feel nervous or afraid to speak, pause at the intersection of two lines and let your breathing follow your heart.
Mandala reminds you: communication is not about rushing forward, but about slowly moving towards being understood.
View the mandala three times, and each time do only one thing: breathe, calm yourself, and prepare yourself to speak clearly.
○ Italian Renaissance · Humanist Script
Humanist Script has a clear structure and a steady rhythm, making it very suitable as a "preparatory action before communication".
Writing out the DEAR MAN before practicing can help you switch from an emotional mode to a logical expression mode.
- Sentence writing:
- I can express myself clearly.
- I can express myself clearly.
- Writing Tips:
- Please maintain consistent letter height and spacing, allowing hand movements to become a bodily memory for "stable communication." Steady handwriting leads to a steady mind.
○ DEAR MAN: Guiding Suggestions for Art Therapy
This course transforms the "path to expressing needs" into images, guiding you to see on paper how you move from emotional confusion to clarity, and from silence or outbursts to communication.
I. Gate Diagram of Demand
- Draw a door on a piece of paper, and write "My real needs" behind the door.
- Draw your thoughts, obstacles, and withdrawals when you are afraid to express them outside the door.
- Finally, draw a path from outside the door to inside: that's the direction DEAR MAN will lead you.
II. Negotiated Balance Diagram
- Draw a balance scale, with your needs on one side and the other person's needs on the other.
- Mark which ones can be fine-tuned, which ones must be retained, and which ones can be negotiated.
- This image can help you maintain a sense of realism when expressing yourself, rather than giving in or demanding everything.
Please log in before submitting your drawings and feelings.
○ 1290. DEAR MAN Request · Log-Guided Recommendation
① Write down a need that you've wanted to express today but have been holding back.
② Write the sentence you want to say using the structure "DEAR MAN".
③ Write down what you are most worried about after you say it out loud, and mark whether these worries are true.
④ Write a sentence about what you learned today: "Clear expression does not equal conflict; it may bring...".
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You can express your true self clearly, powerfully, and without damaging relationships. DEAR MAN is your first step towards secure relationships.
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